Blog 5 – So very far from done.

“So you are done then”….

When people ask where I am up to with my treatment plan and I say ‘I’ve had the chemo and I’ve had the bilateral mastectomy” they generally respond with “so you are done then”. Well, I wish!! I’ve come to realise that I will never be “done” with cancer. Yes, I’ve conquered 5 months of chemotherapy, and the surgery and yes, I believe everything has been removed, but the fear will always be looming.

Recovery post op has been so draining, emotionally. As a teacher we get lovely long summer holidays (sorry parents, now it’s your turn!!) and all my teacher friends are jetting off to exotic places. I’m currently VERY resentful of the fact I’m stuck in the UAE, with my life on hold. It doesn’t help that the UAE is hotter than living on the sun (50 degrees C) and therefore I am essentially housebound. I think I’ve watched every Netflix series going (any recommendations greatly received). Facebook is also rubbing it in with their ‘memories’ each day. For anyone interested, on this day a year ago I was in Cape Town, two years ago in Koh Samui, three years ago Koh Tao, four years ago in Italy, five years ago Vietnam….(OK now I’m just showing off!)

To be honest even I thought I was done with the surgery and that I was healing well, not in much pain and almost back to normal (whatever that looks like now). Little did I know how wrong I was. I realised last week just how fragile I am and how I really have to take this recovery seriously. I went out for dinner with some friends and although I was in a little discomfort and my left breast was filling with fluid I assumed that was to be expected. I’ve been having the fluid drained weekly and just thought I was due another draining. During dinner the pressure on my chest became too much so I nipped to the bathroom to try and undo the ever-so attractive mastectomy bra (Victoria Secret will not be wanting to produce these bad boys!). Unbeknown to me as I released the tight bra, I was also releasing the pressure on an internal haemorrhage. This resulted in me passing out in the toilet of the local golf club (its all glamour as a cancer patient!). Luckily an old family friend who is a nurse was on hand and although I fainted 4 times in about 20 minutes she had me sorted and in an ambulance quick as a flash (her husband also managed to talk the golf club into waiving the bill – result!!). I think I gave everyone a scare that night. Perhaps I was overdoing it, perhaps it was because I overheated and on all the meds I can’t regulate my temperature or perhaps it was the internal bleed, I don’t know. But what I do know is that this is certainly not done! I was in hospital for 2 days and had a lot more tests, and since then I’ve taken things very slowly. I’ve even started doing jigsaw puzzles!!! One good thing to come out of it is that I had two brain CTs and they came back normal, as a cancer patient its good to know there’s nothing lurking up there!

This has pushed the radiotherapy back a couple of weeks, which makes me sad and frustrated but I do understand the bigger picture. I am due to start this week, I’ve already been measured and had the tattoo markers put on, and even had a practice round in the imposing machine, holding my breath so my lungs are a certain capacity, ensuring the radiation hits the right bits. 30 sessions in total, 4 times a week for the next 8 weeks, taking up the full summer holiday (thanks cancer!), even a couple of hours off from this horrible disease would be nice!

So next time you see me, or any cancer patient, please remember that we will never be done. Our lives have changed permanently and cancer will always be on our minds. We can never take a break from this, nor did we choose this. We understand that you aren’t going through it and understand when you forget about our cancer. But no…we will never be done.

Thanks Facebook for the memories: