Blog 9 - The Road to Isle of Man

So here we are…10 days away from the most exciting netball week of the year (Liverpool World Cup eat your heart out!). Emirates Netball are on our way back to the European Open Championships in the Isle of Man. The team has got a few new faces this year, and we are excited to get back on court and hopefully, one step closer to getting our world ranking!

Last year’s competition in Gibraltar was so important to me, for so many reasons. Not only because I was lucky enough to be part of the first ever Emirates Netball team, being capped for the country I have proudly called my home for 10 years, but also because I’d received my diagnosis around the time of selection and was 5 months into chemotherapy at the competition. It took a huge about of grit (stubbornness) on my part to get to the competition, but also a huge leap of faith for my team mates and managers, to be willing to take the cancer patient on tour. I’ve said it before, but getting to the tournament really was my chemo focus, mentally, it was the only thing that kept me going. I was determined not to let cancer define me, change me.

What I can tell you, a year later, is that cancer certainly does change you, and it was very naive of me to think I had any say in that!

The run up to Isle of Man has really stirred some emotions in me, and one that I hadn’t really expected:

Pride (OK this one is an obvious one!) I love this country and cannot wait to pull on that dress and attempt to give something back, but also, I’m proud of myself for what I’ve overcome to get here.

Passion – I love this sport, and I’m lucky enough that I can teach (and hopefully inspire) young talented netballers every day…can you even call it work if it’s your passion?

Excitement – I am beyond excited that our time is now!!

Netball is really making its mark on the world. Our sport has been in the papers, it’s getting more TV coverage, people are talking about the players, participation figures are through the roof…to steal Ama Agbeze’s phrase “It’s us. It’s now”!

Its been a long time coming but if I can help make history and raise the profile of women’s sport in any way then I’m all in!!

Grief – this is where it gets a bit weird, and believe me this emotion took me by surprise too!

I’m grieving...for my old body (well, obviously not the bits that tried to kill me!)

In the simplest of terms, the double mastectomy surgery has kicked my ass! I arrogantly thought that because I’d handled chemotherapy so well, and the radiotherapy had been a walk in the park, that surgery would be too…how wrong could I have been!

The actual surgery itself went well, or so I’m told. Eight hours in the operating theater but two very neat scars (thank you Dr Bello) and I was back in my room, up and pacing the corridors in less than 24 hours. But then comes the recovery!

The scars heal…but my body will never ever be what it was, and now, 11 months later, I can finally admit I’m grieving my pre-surgery body (I mean ideally, I’d like my pre-cancer body, but we can’t be picky!!)!

How is it that I felt more like me during chemotherapy?

What are these hot flushes about?

Drug induced menopause….there are no words! Not to mention the fact its 40 degrees C here at the moment! Come back pre-menopause body, all is forgiven!!

Why am I so very very very tired all the time?

I’d thought that this ‘cancer fatigue’ that people mentioned was linked to the chemo, but its not. I’m more tired now than I’ve ever been. Ever. All the time.

I pretend I’m fine during the day, but nobody sees when I walk in the door at night exhausted. If I was a phone I’d be permanently on ‘low power mode’ and nothing I do charges my battery! Even if I do sleep (which is rare, thanks hormone treatment!) it doesn’t seem to have the effect it used to.

Why does my brain not function like it once did?

I lose my words all the time, I forget simple things (including my PIN number last week which was more than embarrassing!). Is it the residual effects of the chemo, or because I’m so tired, or is it…….nope I’ve forgotten!!

Why did nobody tell me how uncomfortable these breasts would be?

I struggle with a sports bra, I don’t have enough feeling in the skin to satisfy an itch, I can’t lie on my front comfortably, I can’t lie on my left side due to lymphedema risk, they are heavy, they don’t move…I could go on… This isn’t my body, and these don’t belong to me.

I honestly think if I’d known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have ever had the reconstruction. I just want my old life back and not have to deal with the temporary fillers that need painfully draining every month, and have caused me to have two major infections resulting in being hospitalised for a few days!

And whilst we are on the subject, the final reconstruction scheduled for after the Isle of Man IS NOT A BOOB JOB!! People keep congratulating me on my “free” boob job…its not, and nor is it free! I’ve paid such a high price, and whilst I understand that you are trying to give me a silver lining, I am not ready to hear it.

Why am I now facing lymphedema, the extra little cancer bonus?

I understand why my lymph nodes had to come out, but why does the fluid not get the memo and find some other nodes!?!? Instead it has started pooling in my arm, making my arm swell and become heavy.

I guess when its written down it becomes a little bit more obvious why grief for who I was has reared its ugly head over the last few weeks. I am anything but a negative person, (I do not let life hand me lemons) but I’m not ashamed to say, recently, it’s been pretty tough to keep upbeat!

I’m working hard on my new normal, and to accept the body I now have.

Once again its netball that’s got me through. Never underestimate the power of sport!!

I’ll see you all in the Isle of Man (with hair this year!!), and until then, I’ll be over here, sweating, with an itchy boob and a fat arm, forgetting what I was saying!

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